Nigerian scam email breakdown

I promise I'll start putting photos back into the blog, but I couldn't pass this up!

I received an email today that amused me to no end. It was one of those Nigerian scam emails that you hear about in the news so often. The spelling and grammar are blatantly horrible. It kills me that so many gullible and obviously illiterate people have been taken in on these things. Why? Why does this work?

Here is the email in it's totality with some additional comments from yours truly:

ATM CARD PAYMENT FOR FUND BENEFICIARIES

INTERNATIONAL CREDIT SETTLEMENT
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR
OF OPERATIONS

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.

ATTENTION BENEFICIARY: (Why is this moron screaming at me in upper case letters?)

THIS IS TO OFFICIALY INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE VERIFIED YOUR
CONTRACT /INHERITANCE FILE AND FOUND OUT THAT WHY YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT FUFILLED (shouldn't this be fulfilled?) THE OBLIGATIONS GIVEN TO YOU IN RESPECT OF YOUR CONTRACT / INHERITANCE (make up your mind. Is it an inheritance or a contract. Do I have to pay or get paid? I'm so confused) PAYMENT.

SECONDLY ( Wait, where was the firstly?) WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE STILL DEALING WITH THE NONE OFFICIALS IN THE BANK ALL YOUR ATTEMPT TO SECURE THE RELEASE OF THE FUND TO YOU. (I'm sorry, but that whole damn sentence was gibberish. Could you please speak/write the Queens English?) WE WISH TO ADVIVE (advive? Did you just say advive?) YOU THAT SUCH AN ILEGAL (um, just like this letter it's illegal dumba$$) ACT LIKE THIS HAVE (has) TO STOP IF YOU WISHES (why is this plural?) TO RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT SINCE WE HAVE DECIDED TO BRING A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM. (Typical man. Did I freakin' ask you to solve my problems? Can't you just listen for a change?)

RIGHT NOW WE HAVE ARRANGED YOUR PAYMENT THROUGH OUR SWIFT CARD PAYMENT ENTER ASIA PACIFIC (So what exactly is a swift card payment enter asia? Is that some newfangled electronic funds transfer that is done in Japanese B-movie speak?), THAT IS THE LATEST INSTRUCTION BY THE PRESIDENT CHIEF ALHAJI UMAR MUSA YAR-ADUA (say that ten times fast) (GCFR FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA. (hello? dummy? where's your end quote?)

THIS CARD CENTER WILL SEND YOU AN ATM CARD WHICH YOU WILL USE TO WITHDRAW YOUR MONEY IN ANY ATM MACHINE IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD, BUT (There's always a BUT isn't there?) THE MAXIMUM IS ONE THOUSAND FIVE DOLLARS PER DAY (cause God knows, we wouldn't want to take more from you that day, we might get caught by some Government watchdog agency), SO IF YOU LIKE TO RECIEVE (I before E except after C - gee, your grammar teacher sucked.) YOUR FUND THIS WAY (So am I giving or receiving? It's not quite clear enough for me.) PLEASE LET US KNOW BY CONTACTING THE CARD PAYMENT CENTER AND ALSO SEND THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION:


1.YOUR FULL NAME
2. PHONE AND FAX NUMBER, (why is there a comma here?)
3. ADDRESS WERE (obviously this person has spent time here in the deep south. It's fairly common to substitute were for where. IE: Were ya'll goin' fer lunch?) YOU WANT THEM TO SEND THE ATM CARD
4. YOUR AGE AND CURRENT OCCUPATION
5. A COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY ATTACHED TO E-MAIL (Will a clone of me fit in an envelope?)

MR IGNATIUS IMALA (Love. the. name. love. it.)

INTEGRATED (Just underwent a merger of Nigerian jerks and panhandlers) PAYMENT DEPARTMENT
EMAIL:drignatius1@yahoo.com


THE ATM CARD PAYMENT CENTER HAS BEEN MANDATED (Sure they have)TO ISSUE OUT
$8,300,000.00 AS PART PAYMENT FOR THIS FISCAL YEAR 2007.


ALSO FOR YOUR INFORMATION YOU HAVE TO STOP ANY FURTHER COMMINUCATION (Again, more deep south speak. What we have here, is a failure in comminucation.) WITH ANY OTHER PERSON(S) OR OFFICE(s).

THIS IS TO AVOID ANY HITCHES (Now that, my friend, is some fantastic legalese. Do legal departments use the word hitches?) IN FINALIZING YOUR PAYMENT. AS SOON AS YOU REPLY TO THIS IMPORTANT M ESSAGE (m essage in case you missed it) FOR FURTHER DIRECTION IN THIS REGARDS (more unnecessary plurality) AND ALSO UPDATE ME ON ANY DEVELOPMENT FROM THE ABOVE MENTIONED OFFICE.

NOTE: THAT BECAUSE OF IMPOSTORS (and people who can't spell), WE HEREBY ISSUED (God, the grammar mistakes are killing me) YOU OUR CODE OF
CONDUCT, WHICH IS (811) (you can call 911 later when you realize you've been scammed) SO YOU HAVE TO INDICATE THIS CODE WHEN CONTACTING
THE CARD CENTER. (That way we'll know which moronic American is forking over their hard earned cash to us.)

PERSON IN CONTACT OF THE CARD CENTER. (In case you couldn't figure this out from the dude's title below)

(Mr Musa Bello)

CHIEF AUDITOR TO THE PRESIDENT (Thank goodness someone is auditing the president in Nigeria, wish someone would do that in the USA.)
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
ATM CARD PAYMENT FOR FUND BENEFICIARIES

EMAIL ADD:mrmusabello@gawab.com